The Osmonds: Crazy Horses (1972)
Actually, to be fair, I think it's tied for Worst Album with the self-titled album by Attila, Billy Joel's organ-driven-heavy-metal-sludgy-hard-rock-I-don't-know-what-to-call-it monstrosity, which I'll have to get to at some point because it's awesomely terrible. But it's a tough call.
This wasn't the first album I went out and bought with my own money; that distinction belongs to Sweet's Desolation Boulevard, which I bought when I was 10. This was a few years earlier, when I was 6 years old. My parents took me and my brother, who was then 3, to the store and let us each pick out a record as a Hanukkah gift. I recognized the Osmonds from the Saturday morning cartoon -- yes, in 1972, there was a Saturday morning cartoon about a Mormon boy band and their talking dog, because in 1972 everybody was apparently incredibly high.
My brother picked out the Jackson 5's Greatest Hits -- because they, too, had a Saturday morning cartoon at the time, only without a talking dog -- and let's be real: My 3-year-old brother got the better deal. He ended up with "ABC" and "I Want You Back" and I ended up with... this.
Let's talk about that title track. I think it has something to do with pollution. I'm not sure. I just know that it was an attempt by a saccharine-sweet Mormon boy band known for their sappy love songs to churn out some high-octane heavy metal, highlighted (lowlighted?) by this horrifying keyboard screech, over and over, a sound which has haunted my nightmares ever since. Here, give it a try, you can't say you weren't warned:
But don't worry, there is plenty of other badness here. Lots of hard rock/12-bar boogie, like their ode to the party capital of the nation..."Utah." As they sing, "Just give me my home, my girl, my friends, my family. Give me time to rest my mind, then we'll have a party." Definitely makes you want to get up and party. And the similarly rocking "Hey Mr. Taxi," which is a noisy power pop song reminiscent of the Raspberries, only kinda sludgy and not terribly fun. Though again, listening to it right now... hey, ok, not as bad as I remembered it.
Oh, hey, here's another cartoon clip: