The Osmonds: Crazy Horses (1972)

Simultaneously answering both the questions "What is the first album you ever owned?" and "What is the worst album you've ever owned?" I bring you... Crazy Horses.  May god have mercy on my soul.

Actually, to be fair, I think it's tied for Worst Album with the self-titled album by Attila, Billy Joel's organ-driven-heavy-metal-sludgy-hard-rock-I-don't-know-what-to-call-it monstrosity, which I'll have to get to at some point because it's awesomely terrible.  But it's a tough call.

This wasn't the first album I went out and bought with my own money; that distinction belongs to Sweet's Desolation Boulevard, which I bought when I was 10.  This was a few years earlier, when I was 6 years old.  My parents took me and my brother, who was then 3, to the store and let us each pick out a record as a Hanukkah gift.  I recognized the Osmonds from the Saturday morning cartoon -- yes, in 1972, there was a Saturday morning cartoon about a Mormon boy band and their talking dog, because in 1972 everybody was apparently incredibly high.

My brother picked out the Jackson 5's Greatest Hits -- because they, too, had a Saturday morning cartoon at the time, only without a talking dog -- and let's be real:  My 3-year-old brother got the better deal.  He ended up with "ABC" and "I Want You Back" and I ended up with... this.

Let's talk about that title track.  I think it has something to do with pollution.  I'm not sure.  I just know that it was an attempt by a saccharine-sweet Mormon boy band known for their sappy love songs to churn out some high-octane heavy metal, highlighted (lowlighted?) by this horrifying keyboard screech, over and over, a sound which has haunted my nightmares ever since.  Here, give it a try, you can't say you weren't warned:

What other atrocities lie within?  Well, how about that opening track, "Hold Her Tight," which simply nicks Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" riff and overlays a Peter Frampton-ish talk-box guitar and... well, actually, some decent enough hooks and guitar lines that sort of redeem it, though, again, c'mon, it's the "Immigrant Song":

Those are the hard rockers.  Not surprisingly, there are plenty of the more melodic, sappy pop songs you'd expect from them, like the boppy McCartneyesque "Girl" and the mellow McCartneyesque ballad "What Could It Be." Clearly they were listening to a lot of Paul McCartney.  Can't fault 'em for that.  I mean, when you come right down to it, "What Could It Be" could be a long lost Badfinger song, it's actually kinda good.  No, it's a really good song.  Here's a terrible quality clip from the cartoon, you'll need to turn it up:

Damn, maybe this isn't as thoroughly bad as I'd remembered...

But don't worry, there is plenty of other badness here.  Lots of hard rock/12-bar boogie, like their ode to the party capital of the nation..."Utah."  As they sing, "Just give me my home, my girl, my friends, my family.  Give me time to rest my mind, then we'll have a party."  Definitely makes you want to get up and party.  And the similarly rocking "Hey Mr. Taxi," which is a noisy power pop song reminiscent of the Raspberries, only kinda sludgy and not terribly fun.  Though again, listening to it right now... hey, ok, not as bad as I remembered it.

Oh, hey, here's another cartoon clip:

Ok, trust me, it's a terrible album.  I'm going to go listen to it once more just to be sure, though.  (But I'm definitely not going to listen to that Attila album.  Yet.)